If you ever wish to understand me completely all you have to do is read this really

iPod/iTunes survey
(Or non brand specific mp3 player/non brand specific media player)

What kind of iPod do you have? (ex. blue mini, white video, shuffle, etc.
: Creative ZEN
How many songs are on your iPod?: 3443
What song are you listening to right now?: (I Don't Know Why) Truly - Alton Ellis
Put it on shuffle
what is the 1st song?: Ire Feelings (Skanga) Rupie Edwards
10th?: Bubblegum - Sultans of Ping FC
15th?: Slushy - The Vaselines
20th?: Magdalen Bridge (edit) - Youthmovies
25th?: We Haven't Turned Around - Gomez
30th?: Tour Jacket With Detachable Sleeves - Half Man Half Biscuit
35th?: The Great Gig In The Sky - Easy Star All-Stars
40th?: Punk Rock Polly - Nirvana
45th?: Real Love - The Beatles
50th: Mildred Pierce - Sonic Youth
Put the songs in alphabetical order
What is the first song?: A Beginning - The Beatles
What is the last song?: 99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd - Half Man Half Biscuit
Put songs in Album order
What is the first song?: Magdalen Bridge (edit) - Youthmovies. Again.
What is the last song?: Do Re Me, So Far So Good - Carter USM
Put songs in artist order
What is the first song?: Take Me To The River - Al Green
What is the last song?: Magdalen Bridge (edit) Youthmovies if you can believe it.
Put the song in time order
What is the first song?: A Beginning - The Beatles (0:50)
What is the last order?: Atom Heart Mother - Pink Floyd (23:44) I should say it's followed closely by Echoes at (23:31).
Put in genre order
What is the first song?: This Here Giraffe - Flaming Lips. Apparently it's acid punk.
What is the last song?: Roads - Portishead. Which is trip-hop. Who decides these?
The ten most played songs on your iPod
1st?: Long Shot Kick De Bucket - The Pioneers
2nd?: Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam - The Vaselines
3rd?: 54-46 Was My Number - Toots and the Maytals
4th?: Lady Godiva's Operation - The Velvet Underground
5th?: Look Dad No Tunes - Half Man Half Biscuit
6th?: Interstellar Overdrive - Pink Floyd
7th?: Chutes - Colour
8th?: Lover, You Should've Come Over - Jeff Buckley
9th?: Shadows Fall - The Coral
10?: If - Pink Floyd
Ten most recently added
1st?: Reckoner - Radiohead
2nd?: Tomorrow Comes Today [Banana Baby] - Space Monkeyz vs. Gorillaz
3rd?: Wave of Mutilation - Pixies
4th?: Travel By Telephone - Rival Schools
5th?: A Well-Respected Man - The Kinks
6th?:Girl Of My Dreams - Daniel Johnston
7th?: She Belongs To Me - Bob Dylan
8th?: I Can't Explain - The Who
9th?: Slow Country [Strictly Rubbadub] - Space Monkeyz vs. Gorillaz
10th?: Sexy Sadie - The Beatles
Put a song with each letter
A: Are You Experienced?? - Jimi Hendrix
B: Badge - Cream. Written by George Harrison, didja know...
C: Carry On Cremating - Half Man Half Biscuit
D: Dr Dre Theme Tune - Misty's Big Adventure
E: Eclipse - Pink Floyd
F: Fool That I Am - Kula Shaker. It's HALF THREE AM.
G: Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones
H: Here She Comes Now - Nirvana
I: I Am The Resurrection - Stone Roses
J: Jeremy Kyle Is A Married Man - Blakfish
K: Karma Police - Easy Star All-Stars
L: Let There Be More Light - Pink Floyd
M: Mary-Christ - Sonic Youth
N: No Hope - The Vaselines
O: Our Day Will Come - The Heptones
P: Pow R. Toc H. - Pink Floyd
Q: Quality Janitor - Half Man Half Biscuit
R: Rain - The Beatles
S: Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin
T: Train To Skaville - The Ethiopians
U: Undress Me Now - Morcheeba
V: Venus In Furs - Velvet Underground
W: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
X: I don't actually have a single track beginning with X. Shame on me.
Y: Yes, The River Knows - The Doors
Z: See X
any number: 54-56 Was My Number - Toots and the Maytals
Random
When did you get your iPod?: I got this one as a 20th birthday present to myself
What's the most embarassing song you have on your iPod?: probably that Kula Shaker one. Or maybe all of Bran Van 3000's 1997 album, Glee.
What artist do you have the most of on your iPod?: With an astounding 259 tracks, I thought it was Half Man Half Biscuit but I have 22 Sonic Youth albums so it may be them. And I've got over a GB of Beatles, ditto Pink Floyd, so I really don't know.
Do you have any theme songs on your iPod?: Oh I've got loads. The QI one, the Screenwipe one, the Snooker one and the Peep Show one to name but a few...
Do you have any videos on your iPod?: Nah
Favorite song of all time?: Shine On You Crazy Diamond - Pink Floyd
Favorite artist of all time?: Pink Floyd
Favorite album of all time?: I struggle with trying to pick my favourite Coral album. They've only had FIVE. Unless you count the singles collection, which I DON'T. I literally couldn't choose a favourite album of all time if I wanted to. But it's probably Pink Floyd, either Wish You Were Here or Piper At The Gates Of Dawn. Or it could be Blood On The Tracks. Or Grace. Or one of several Beatles albums. See what I mean?
Your least favorite song of all time in your opinion?: There's WAY too many
Least favorite artist of all time?: Simply Red or possibly U2. And there's loads of stuff around at the moment that's just odious but nobody seems to see it
Least favorite album of all time?: Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys. Overrated sack of shit, for a start, and it robbed Richard Hawley of the Mercury Prize.
Favorite playlist on your iPod?: I tend to listen to albums rather than playlists
Do you like the headphones Apple gives with iPods?: The ones I got with the mp3 player are alright but the ones I got for my birthday are superbitchinawesomecool.
You have to pick
Britney or Christina?: Christina
Fall out Boy or Panic! at the disco?: Panic At The Disco ifeelincrediblydirty
Gwen or No Doubt?: No Doubt
Beyonce or Destinys Child?: Destiny's Child...ahem
G-unit or D12?: blatantly G-Unit
50 cent or Kanye West?: Kanye West
Maroon 5 or All American Rejects?: All American Rejects. I know I've seen them live but I don't remember any of it, it was like 8 years ago.
Chris Brown or Ne-Yo?: pass
Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan?: pass
Kevin Federline or Britney Spears?: pass
Kid Rock or Kevin Federline?: oh dear god
Linkin Park or NIN?: NIN
Foo Fighters or Andrew WK?: Foo Fighters
Chevelle or Velvet Revolver?:Velvet Revolver are another band I know I've seen but I just have no recollection of...I think it was summer 2005
Yellowcard or The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus?: I literally have no idea
A few more randoms
Are you going to buy a iPod Touch?: I do not bow to apple
Are you going to buy a iPhone?: see above
Why did you buy your iPod?: My old one was crap and went AWOL
How many iPods have you broken?: I think I broke my last one...
What color is your iPod?: classy black.
Has anyone ever broken your iPod?: no
Has anyone ever stolen your iPod?: no
Do you organize the stuff on your iPod?: yes
Do you like iTunes?: Yes, I like not using it.

Thanks to everyone who's made my music collection the great big swimming pool of awesomeness you see above. I love you all.

It's 4.15 AM.

Long live upholstery

Been a while, I know.
I'm currently basking in the palacial glory of my bedroom wondering if there's any chance my rat, Ezekiel, is pregnant.
Chances of this are thankfully slim as she lives in a cage with her two sisters (I don't know if you've ever seen rat balls but they're pretty conspicuous, we're sure our three are all female) but she is pretty darn fat considering she was the runt of the litter. And she seems to have sprouted these huge nipples out of nowhere. It's probably nothing, but time will tell.

Things I am sick of:

Aimee Anne Never-Smiles-In-Photos-Coz-She-Has-Too-Much-SOUL Duffy
My housemate being a cunt
Running out of Skittles
My own goddamn nose
Not getting anything done.

More bitchy lists coming soon.

I will not return to you
I will not bow to you
I will not submit to you
And all your flashy promises.
You entice and seduce
And lead my hand toward
And tempt me with your colours
But tonight is not the night for this.
There are other things I need
Things that make me strong
Things to bring me safety
Things that you refuse me
With your sadistic rule
The way you won't let go
Your control and my addiction
As I love you, you use me.
I reach the higher levels
And you're so within my grasp
And we rise and rise together
And with every death, rebirth
And then you make me hate you
As we start this dance again
And I can't tear away
From every time you make things worse
With the blindfold on my logic
And the handcuffs on my wrists
When I should be revising,
It is you I can't resist.

Yes, Tetris is a cruel but noble master.

Mastercard

New frames: £70
New lenses: £50
Glare-resistant coating on the lenses: £40

Being proud of your visual impairment: Priceless.

An Amazing Thing I Learned Today While Reading The QI Annual

Rene Descartes had a fetish for cross-eyed women. He conquered this when he realised that the roots of it lay with a cross-eyed girl he had played with as a child. He used this insight to support the idea that human beings have free will.

I love you Rene, you crazy French bastard.

Now is the least boring time imaginable

Yes, it's half four in the morning. I'm on a large cream sofa in my Aunt's house thinking of new lists, or doing whatever it is that my brain substitutes for rational thought.

Things I love

Cream, the band
Cream, the food
Cream, the colour

I lied about the third one. It's overrated.

I have been blessed enough to have a relatively peaceful holiday season, been involved mostly in visiting family, ignoring my large pile of work and listening to Ambulance Ltd (a dear friend's attempt to bring me into this century, sadly for everyone in earshot I still have one foot in the Floyd) which has been really great. Since I came crashing back into my mother's house in London on 16th of December I have yet to argue with my family, which is possibly some kind of a record. And a sign that my siblings and I are growing up. I rounded up my nearest and dearest - save a few who couldn't make it - and went ice skating at the Royal Botanical Gardens at Kew.
They had set up an ice rink there, though.
The evening went without too much of a hitch, despite the efforts of the District Line which made us an hour late. But a man who looked too young to be the manager but held an air of authority nonetheless told us it would be fine to skate during the next time slot. So there we were, happily falling over and almost falling over and I was snapping it all and making my trademark series of nearly-losing-my-balance squawks when an "Ice Marshall" - that's skating jargon for wanker in a hoodie - told us to put the camera away. And if we wanted photographs, there was a professional photographer on-site so we could buy them after the session if we so desired.
This literally took the piss. As if being ripped off to the tune of £11 for the skating wasn't enough. We now had to buy our own memories.
I was glad when he fell over. And felt a little bad for the girl he smacked in the back of the head with a flailing arm and took down with him.

An intermittent list:

Quotes from my 7-year-old cousin

"I can see your knickers. They're green." - On my low-ride jeans
"Don't you have anything that girls like?" - On my music collection
"You've got a hole in your chin." - On my labret piercing
"I can play join the dots with your freckles. It makes a monkey. There's the face, look." - On my left arm
"I don't remember your name all the time, but I do like you...most of the time." - I've seen her every Christmas, Easter and summer since she was born
"You've still got a hole in your chin." - On my labret piercing still being there when she saw me the next day
"It's a bit noisy." - On Led Zeppelin
"I licked a snail!"
(What did it taste like?)
"A worm." - On insects

I know what you're thinking. And yes, that list was just an excuse to use the word intermittent.

The fast-approaching New Year (don't think the phrase entirely warrants capitals, but it feels important so I've put them in anyway.) has made me reflect on everything 2007 has brought. I've seen more bands than I can count, which is great, and made myself (with some help from others, I'll admit) happier than I've ever been in my life. Which is a good place to start a new one, I think. In respect to resolutions, one of mine is to make fewer lists. I don't want it to develop into some kind of compulsion to constantly order or categorise things. So by making a list of New Years' Resolutions, I'd actually be screwing up.
You see my dilemma here.
I'm actually spending New Year in Brighton, my home away from my homes away from home. That makes more sense than you might think. I've been trying and failing to work out where home is, and what it means. Is it in London, where I was born and raised, where my parents live? Is it in Hull, in the first house that has ever really been mine, where I live with some of my closest friends, study a subject I love and pursue the career I want to follow for the rest of my life? Is it in Blackpool, where 30-odd members (read also 30 odd members) of my extended family live, all of whom are loving, welcoming and warm? Or is it in Brighton? I've only really been there once, but when I did, I found his arms.
And they do say home is where the heart is.

Things I learned today

1. There are no pencil sharpeners in my house.
2. You can't sharpen an eyeliner pencil with a knife.
3. Getting eyeliner off a knife is extremely difficult
4. Trying to put on eyeliner with an unsharpened pencil is a bad idea.

I think I have a splinter in my eye.