The Hull Aphrodite

You Can't Judge A Blog Post By Its Title. Unless, Of Course, You Can.

2009-10-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

Something else I found out this week is that Ben Miller (of The Armstrong and Miller Show and looking-like-Rob-Brydon fame) was one of the co-writers behind the excellent and hilarious puzzle game MindGym for the PC.

MindGym may have been the second or third PC game I ever really played, and from what I can remember the main part consisted of solving abstract puzzles while being alternatively encouraged and mocked by the narrator, who sounds a bit like Jim Carrey* but is known only as the Personal Trainer. The most effective comparison can probably be drawn with the Nintendo DS let's-make-homework-fun-fest that is Dr. Kawashima's Brain Training. Except if Dr. Kawashima was less distantly polite and more open to smoking pot.

What I'm trying to say is this: the main object of MindGym was to develop different parts of the brain than ordinary puzzle games in a fun and innovative way, a feat that has not been accomplished with an equal degree of humour and originality before or since. Incidentally, it was also the first game ever to win the BAFTA for Interactive Entertainment back in 1998 (beating Douglas Adams) and deservedly so. The puzzles are amusing and challenging, and the graphics and animation is simply beautiful considering the game was made eleven years ago. Bear this in mind when you look at some of the screenshots here.

Sadly there don't seem to be any plans to release an updated version, or a version that will run on something more recent than Windows 98, but I thought this eulogy would ensure that, among a small group of people on the internet, this mini-masterpiece will not be forgotten.

___________________________________________________________

*Do not let this put you off, it's a lot less annoying when you don't have to look at a rubbery, gurning face.

What Nick Griffin On Question Time Taught Us

2009-10-25T17:59:00.000-07:00

People who oppose the BNP are just as capable of being massive dicksocks as people who support the BNP.

That is all.

All Sidenote No Substance - pt1

2009-09-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

Being the narcisisstic little tart that I am I was looking at my own blogger profile, and it dawned on me, for the first time, that I am 21.

But instead of droning on about that I'm going to tell you something far more useful. Here is the first on my list of TV shows ( that prove to me that contemporary culture is not completely dead.

1. House

Why You Might Not Be That Into It

Everyone in the world has watched at least one episode of House. But even if there could be somebody who hasn't, they would still know the basic premise. Patient is admitted with an interesting illness that peaks the interest of grumpy misanthropic doctor. Patient lies, patient seems to get better, patient suddenly gets a whole lot worse, grumpy misanthrope enters to make patient tell the truth and saves the day.
What tempts a lot of people to dip in and out of House is the way the team deal with a different patient every episode. So at the end of each episode, the story ends with it. The problem with this is that it's easy to think, especially if the viewer hasn't watched a lot of House is that the show is all about the patient in each episode, and the non-patient dialogue and general plot is just filler.

Why You Really Should Be Into It

Because that could not be further from the truth. It is the developments in the characters and their relationships that made the fifth (and at the time of writing most recent) series of House nothing short of spectacular. It was literally the most genuinely moving television I have ever seen. I wept. Like a lost child. And (though I can see how that alone would convince you to stop reading this right now and go out and buy the boxsets) for the stony-hearted there's also blindingly witty dialogue, the clinic scenes which are absolutely hilarious and a particular scene in "Saviors" (season 5, episode 21, last 5 minutes) where Hugh Laurie proves to everyone that he is the single most talented man on the whole doomed planet.
Overall House is exciting, funny and entirely worth sticking with in the long-term. It is a constant source of amazement to me that despite relentless advertising on Channel Five and then Sky One and billboards, magazines, and bus stops that there aren't as many people captivated by it as there should be. Get it seen. You've got no excuses.

Next installment - Mad Men.

There I Was

2009-09-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

So there I was thinking something bad's happened when my friend calls me at 1AM.

Turns out he just screamed the Ghostbusters theme tune down the phone then hung up.

I'm going to miss uni so much.

How To Make Friends And Be Alienated By People

2009-09-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have friends who write Doctor Who fan-fiction on a regular basis, and friends who spend the majority of their free time in IRCs and on imageboards. These friends look down on me for playing a certain online computer game, which, quite frankly, is both embarrassing and grossly unjust.

With the announcement of the new expansion pack “Cataclysm”, World of Warcraft – and its fans – are getting more press attention than ever. But it seems to me that the game is now what Dungeons and Dragons was twenty years ago a leisure activity that, in certain contemporary circles, reduces you from the status of an intelligent, interesting fellow human to a complete social pariah. I'm talking a total lame-ass. A geekwad of epic proportions. You probably have no friends, never leave your darkened computer den to behold the outdoors, and fantasise nightly about elves and gnomes because you've never seen a woman before. It must be true, because you play World Of Warcraft!

In the gaming world there is a divergence between those who play games on the PC, and those who play them on consoles. Console gaming is certainly the more acceptable of the two, due to its association with casual gaming, and socialising, as most console games have a multiplayer option and several controllers. PC gamers are treated by some even inside the gaming world as people who take the whole thing too seriously, put solitary gaming before social interaction, and World of Warcraft is the most notorious culprit of all.

But this is becoming less and less true. A recent advert showed a young man at university playing Mario Kart with his father, at home presumably miles away, on the fun Nintendo Wii. This is hardly different from the way on-line PC gamers use in-game chat and voice chat programs to socialise with the people they are playing with. Even in the LA Times there was a recent article about the close bonds formed by playing on-line with people for a few hours a day, and the BBC News website has in the past published articles advocating the positive effect moderate gaming has on the player's social life. After all, that's what the strongest friendships are based around – shared interests. World of Warcraft is a particularly social game – a large portion of the content relies on co-operation with other players and working as a team, whether in a dungeon fighting a boss, or in a battleground fighting a team of players from the opposing faction.

However, I would be providing an unbalanced argument if I didn't illuminate that sometimes, gaming can become addictive. And yes, people have died from dehydration and exhaustion from playing on-line games for several days at a time non-stop (World Of Warcraft is actually not the worst offender here, but it certainly received the most news coverage). But the addiction is not part of the game; it is part of the player. Most of the people who play do so casually and without taking the game too seriously – the recluse who spends 17 hours a day killing gnomes only exists in the tiniest minority. World Of Warcraft players aren't some different species, born to play, confused and apathetic if asked to do anything else or maybe leave the house. They're just people, who enjoy playing a game. If somebody made a bad decision such as playing chess for two days straight and died because of it, would there be stories all over the news the next day about how harmful and addictive chess is and how it is destroying our society by turning them all into obsessive chess-heads? Of course not. But almost twenty five thousand people have died while playing chess in the last hundred years. And yet the newspapers can't wait to play a new favourite pastime of their own - “Pin The Blame On The Computer Game”.

Despite the calibre of games out at the moment, and the amazing developments in technology in the last few decades gaming is still not a hobby worthy of writing on a CV, which is small-minded and unfair. There is a lot to be said for gaming as a leisure activity in itself. While watching television the brain is in a hypnotic state, and there is only marginally more going on by way of brain activity than there is while you sleep. But gaming not only keeps the brain active and interested, it has also been shown to speed up reaction times and improve hand-eye co-ordination. Gaming in all its forms does not get the credibility it deserves. It is seen by the older generation as a waste of time, but it is really no different from the games they played or still play with their friends in their spare time. It is only the medium that has changed – computer gaming is a both a form of entertainment and a means of bonding with friends, just like any other type of game.

Except Solitaire.

Yours sincerely, Nigel Blackwell's bitch.

2008-12-13T18:31:00.000-08:00

Album of the Month - December
Half Man Half Biscuit - ACD

There's only so much someone can say about a Half Man Half Biscuit album, so I'll just say that this is one of the earliest ones, a few of the tracks on it appear on other albums but put together in this way covers a whole range of what they sounded like at the time. Thus, it's educational (and essential) listening.

The Best Things In Life

"There is nothing better in life than writing on the sole of your slipper with a biro on a Saturday night instead of going to the pub."

D'Ye Ken Ted Moult

"Insulation for the nation, that's the one for me."

As far as I can acertain this song is about a bloke who used to sell double glazing. It will get stuck in your head.

Reasons To Be Miserable

"And I don't know anyone who puts peaches on their cornflakes either."

One of the earliest examples at the sarcastic, weary drawl that's a absolute treat in so many of the band's later tracks. With bleak, echoed instrumentals and punk-influenced vocals, it's a bit of a grower but still worth a listen.

Rod Hull Is Alive - Why?

"Halfway up The Wrekin with an empty flask of tea/A fog descends and takes away my visibility/Yet in this Helen Keller state, I'd still quite like to know/Why is Rod Hull alive, and getting paid as well?"

They've stopped performing this song live since Rod Hull died.
LOL
Dickie Davies Eyes

"A Romany bint in a field with her paints suggesting we faint at her beauty, but she's got Dickie Davies Eyes..."

One of my favourite Half Man tracks of all time here. Partly because the opening keyboard part sounds like the theme from War Of The Worlds and partly because it's about the girl from the old Flake adverts.

YOU know the ones.

Bastard Son Of Dean Friedman

"Well I heard a lovely rumour that Bette Midler had a tumour, so gleefully I went to tell my friends..."

Dean Friedman was a terrible singer during the 70s, but it has been revealed to me that he has recently turned his hand to Flash animation. Watch his brainchild here.

Also to be noted: At this point the album becomes more upbeat, more melodic and far catchier. The lyrics remain brilliant, as seen here and in the next couple of tracks. I've tried before to pick a favourite from this album but it's proved literally impossible.
I Was A Teenage Armchair Honved Fan

"Is this the bit where we're supposed to make guitars collide?/And is this the bit where we release all that raw energy?/And is this the bit where we go crashing through those barriers like what they do in music mags?"

I found out a few minutes ago when I looked it up that Honved are a football team from Hungary. It's odd how often you'll find yourself singing along when you just don't know what the fuck he's on about.

Arthur's Farm

"Everybody arsed around and the Beast Of England sound had been ruined by a busy busy bee.'"

Literary reference alert! Ah, the synthy stylings of the late 80s. I love this track.

Carry On Cremating

"She threw an apple in my eye, cor blimey/Alex Haley was adopted, that's what's called a disappointment."

This was taken from the HMHB website, where the references in their lyrics are explained:
"Gerald Thomas [director of the Carry On films] is the Scorsese of British cinema. The Carry On films combine the philosophical insight of Kieslowski, the scope of Herzog, the intellectual rigour of Wenders and the character handling of Louis Malle. " - Such is the tone of the song.

The rest of this album is made of live tracks, the studio versions of which can be found on Back in the D.H.S.S. But I'll mention them anyway because they are so very deserving of mention.
Albert Hammond Bootleg

"Dragging my guitar round Maternity Ward/I was in search of the umbilical chord."

Another of the best opening lines ever. It's worth saying that the difference between this album and their latest offering, CSI Ambleside, is astounding. This album sounds a lot rawer and less produced than later recordings, the vocals are far more strained (Dare I say angsty? Fuck no.) and sound quality in general gives it a certain antiquated feel.

Reflections In A Flat

"My story seems so tragic/Ali Bongo's good at contortionism"

This song keeps with the bleak tone we heard earlier that was phased out somewhat around the middle of the album. It's a darkly funny track, the combination of slightly unconventional rhymes (or lack of - see above) and the cynical embittered suffering that can be detected behind it makes this track another grower, but worth a listen.
Sealclubbing

"Down beside the babbling brook I was trying to sketch myself a stallion/When the stallion said to me/"That's the third biro that you've broken all day, I cannot wait/You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead, mate.""
Architecture and Morality, Ted and Alice

"I saw the waves of nihilism rolling my way, and now I live life in the bus lane."

I have been listening to this song for years and I still have no idea what the fuck it's about. Love the way he sings it though.

Fuckin' Hell, It's Fred Titmus

"Dracula comes from Transylvania/Stevie Nicks' book's about kleptomania/Johnny looked out of his bedroom window and shouted to his mum "Fred Titmus!""

One of the best known and most loved HMHB tracks, absolutely always goes down well at gigs. And rightly so. The songs on this album are far from the spoken-word oddities on later albums (like Epiphany and Tour Jacket (With Detachable Sleeves); in comparison they sound almost poppy.

Time Flies By (When You're The Driver Of A Train)

"I get high when I'm the pilot of a plane/Touching down in Camberwick and stoned out of my brain/Under bridges, over bridges, to our destination/Careful with that spliff, Eugene, it causes condensation."

Definitely my favourite song ever about taking loads of drugs and watching children's TV programmes.
All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit

"There was one in the gang/Who had Scalextric/And because of that/He thought he was better than you."

The latter half of this album features many of the band's best-known tracks. This tragic tale of unfulfilled childhood dreams, I think, is so loved because as well as being a good track in its own right, it rings true for so many people...

The Trumpton Riots

"All this aristocracy has really got to stop/We'll overthrow the surgery and kidnap Doctor Mop/and Chippy Minton Socialists will storm the market square/And make plans to assasinate our autocratic mayor!"

If only.

What I know is I never knew nothing so I know that I needed to learn...

2008-12-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I didn't post anything at all for literally ten months.

As far as explanations go, there isn't going to be a full one posted here. Suffice to say that things got complicated and painful and overwhelming I didn't feel like doing every much. Then things got really good and for about six weeks towards the very end of August and start of September I woke up every day feeling like I'd won the lottery. But my life isn't the kind of one where things like that last, so that ended and I wandered through first semester, avoiding any kind of real trouble and trying to keep my head above the water.

And now I'm back to bitch about toilet paper.
A couple of years ago (or maybe more) they started to introduce toilet paper with pictures and patterns printed on it.

Which I'm fine with if it's just an abstract pattern or even some leaves or flowers.
But puppies?! Seriously? Like, baby dogs? Like cute little furry baby dogs?
Am I the only one who finds this uncomfortable?

Another list. This one's called 'On Preparation'

Things that are in my bag

My notebook
My phone
My mp3 player
My purse
A half-finished bottle of Dr. Pepper
Eyeliner (yep, you got me, I'm a big wussy GIRL)
My blue hat
Mirror
The Little Book Of Calm
Phone charger (The saga ends. It was in my housemate's room.)

A thing that is not in my bag

A pen.

Bollocks. And it really doesn't help that I keep sleeping straight through my alarm clock. I need a louder, more annoying one.
In other news, I get to chat to Mr Ed Bicknell tomorrow, I shall certainly let you know how that goes.
Sorry for lack of content. I've got a few Album Of The Month things to post here over the next few days. Watch this space.

If you ever wish to understand me completely all you have to do is read this really

2008-11-13T04:15:00.000-08:00

iPod/iTunes survey
(Or non brand specific mp3 player/non brand specific media player)

What kind of iPod do you have? (ex. blue mini, white video, shuffle, etc.
: Creative ZEN
How many songs are on your iPod?: 3443
What song are you listening to right now?: (I Don't Know Why) Truly - Alton Ellis
Put it on shuffle
what is the 1st song?: Ire Feelings (Skanga) Rupie Edwards
10th?: Bubblegum - Sultans of Ping FC
15th?: Slushy - The Vaselines
20th?: Magdalen Bridge (edit) - Youthmovies
25th?: We Haven't Turned Around - Gomez
30th?: Tour Jacket With Detachable Sleeves - Half Man Half Biscuit
35th?: The Great Gig In The Sky - Easy Star All-Stars
40th?: Punk Rock Polly - Nirvana
45th?: Real Love - The Beatles
50th: Mildred Pierce - Sonic Youth
Put the songs in alphabetical order
What is the first song?: A Beginning - The Beatles
What is the last song?: 99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd - Half Man Half Biscuit
Put songs in Album order
What is the first song?: Magdalen Bridge (edit) - Youthmovies. Again.
What is the last song?: Do Re Me, So Far So Good - Carter USM
Put songs in artist order
What is the first song?: Take Me To The River - Al Green
What is the last song?: Magdalen Bridge (edit) Youthmovies if you can believe it.
Put the song in time order
What is the first song?: A Beginning - The Beatles (0:50)
What is the last order?: Atom Heart Mother - Pink Floyd (23:44) I should say it's followed closely by Echoes at (23:31).
Put in genre order
What is the first song?: This Here Giraffe - Flaming Lips. Apparently it's acid punk.
What is the last song?: Roads - Portishead. Which is trip-hop. Who decides these?
The ten most played songs on your iPod
1st?: Long Shot Kick De Bucket - The Pioneers
2nd?: Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam - The Vaselines
3rd?: 54-46 Was My Number - Toots and the Maytals
4th?: Lady Godiva's Operation - The Velvet Underground
5th?: Look Dad No Tunes - Half Man Half Biscuit
6th?: Interstellar Overdrive - Pink Floyd
7th?: Chutes - Colour
8th?: Lover, You Should've Come Over - Jeff Buckley
9th?: Shadows Fall - The Coral
10?: If - Pink Floyd
Ten most recently added
1st?: Reckoner - Radiohead
2nd?: Tomorrow Comes Today [Banana Baby] - Space Monkeyz vs. Gorillaz
3rd?: Wave of Mutilation - Pixies
4th?: Travel By Telephone - Rival Schools
5th?: A Well-Respected Man - The Kinks
6th?:Girl Of My Dreams - Daniel Johnston
7th?: She Belongs To Me - Bob Dylan
8th?: I Can't Explain - The Who
9th?: Slow Country [Strictly Rubbadub] - Space Monkeyz vs. Gorillaz
10th?: Sexy Sadie - The Beatles
Put a song with each letter
A: Are You Experienced?? - Jimi Hendrix
B: Badge - Cream. Written by George Harrison, didja know...
C: Carry On Cremating - Half Man Half Biscuit
D: Dr Dre Theme Tune - Misty's Big Adventure
E: Eclipse - Pink Floyd
F: Fool That I Am - Kula Shaker. It's HALF THREE AM.
G: Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones
H: Here She Comes Now - Nirvana
I: I Am The Resurrection - Stone Roses
J: Jeremy Kyle Is A Married Man - Blakfish
K: Karma Police - Easy Star All-Stars
L: Let There Be More Light - Pink Floyd
M: Mary-Christ - Sonic Youth
N: No Hope - The Vaselines
O: Our Day Will Come - The Heptones
P: Pow R. Toc H. - Pink Floyd
Q: Quality Janitor - Half Man Half Biscuit
R: Rain - The Beatles
S: Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin
T: Train To Skaville - The Ethiopians
U: Undress Me Now - Morcheeba
V: Venus In Furs - Velvet Underground
W: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
X: I don't actually have a single track beginning with X. Shame on me.
Y: Yes, The River Knows - The Doors
Z: See X
any number: 54-56 Was My Number - Toots and the Maytals
Random
When did you get your iPod?: I got this one as a 20th birthday present to myself
What's the most embarassing song you have on your iPod?: probably that Kula Shaker one. Or maybe all of Bran Van 3000's 1997 album, Glee.
What artist do you have the most of on your iPod?: With an astounding 259 tracks, I thought it was Half Man Half Biscuit but I have 22 Sonic Youth albums so it may be them. And I've got over a GB of Beatles, ditto Pink Floyd, so I really don't know.
Do you have any theme songs on your iPod?: Oh I've got loads. The QI one, the Screenwipe one, the Snooker one and the Peep Show one to name but a few...
Do you have any videos on your iPod?: Nah
Favorite song of all time?: Shine On You Crazy Diamond - Pink Floyd
Favorite artist of all time?: Pink Floyd
Favorite album of all time?: I struggle with trying to pick my favourite Coral album. They've only had FIVE. Unless you count the singles collection, which I DON'T. I literally couldn't choose a favourite album of all time if I wanted to. But it's probably Pink Floyd, either Wish You Were Here or Piper At The Gates Of Dawn. Or it could be Blood On The Tracks. Or Grace. Or one of several Beatles albums. See what I mean?
Your least favorite song of all time in your opinion?: There's WAY too many
Least favorite artist of all time?: Simply Red or possibly U2. And there's loads of stuff around at the moment that's just odious but nobody seems to see it
Least favorite album of all time?: Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys. Overrated sack of shit, for a start, and it robbed Richard Hawley of the Mercury Prize.
Favorite playlist on your iPod?: I tend to listen to albums rather than playlists
Do you like the headphones Apple gives with iPods?: The ones I got with the mp3 player are alright but the ones I got for my birthday are superbitchinawesomecool.
You have to pick
Britney or Christina?: Christina
Fall out Boy or Panic! at the disco?: Panic At The Disco ifeelincrediblydirty
Gwen or No Doubt?: No Doubt
Beyonce or Destinys Child?: Destiny's Child...ahem
G-unit or D12?: blatantly G-Unit
50 cent or Kanye West?: Kanye West
Maroon 5 or All American Rejects?: All American Rejects. I know I've seen them live but I don't remember any of it, it was like 8 years ago.
Chris Brown or Ne-Yo?: pass
Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan?: pass
Kevin Federline or Britney Spears?: pass
Kid Rock or Kevin Federline?: oh dear god
Linkin Park or NIN?: NIN
Foo Fighters or Andrew WK?: Foo Fighters
Chevelle or Velvet Revolver?:Velvet Revolver are another band I know I've seen but I just have no recollection of...I think it was summer 2005
Yellowcard or The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus?: I literally have no idea
A few more randoms
Are you going to buy a iPod Touch?: I do not bow to apple
Are you going to buy a iPhone?: see above
Why did you buy your iPod?: My old one was crap and went AWOL
How many iPods have you broken?: I think I broke my last one...
What color is your iPod?: classy black.
Has anyone ever broken your iPod?: no
Has anyone ever stolen your iPod?: no
Do you organize the stuff on your iPod?: yes
Do you like iTunes?: Yes, I like not using it.

Thanks to everyone who's made my music collection the great big swimming pool of awesomeness you see above. I love you all.

It's 4.15 AM.

Long live upholstery

2008-11-11T08:17:00.000-08:00

Been a while, I know.
I'm currently basking in the palacial glory of my bedroom wondering if there's any chance my rat, Ezekiel, is pregnant.
Chances of this are thankfully slim as she lives in a cage with her two sisters (I don't know if you've ever seen rat balls but they're pretty conspicuous, we're sure our three are all female) but she is pretty darn fat considering she was the runt of the litter. And she seems to have sprouted these huge nipples out of nowhere. It's probably nothing, but time will tell.

Things I am sick of:

Aimee Anne Never-Smiles-In-Photos-Coz-She-Has-Too-Much-SOUL Duffy
My housemate being a cunt
Running out of Skittles
My own goddamn nose
Not getting anything done.

More bitchy lists coming soon.

No

2008-01-16T15:33:00.000-08:00

I will not return to you
I will not bow to you
I will not submit to you
And all your flashy promises.
You entice and seduce
And lead my hand toward
And tempt me with your colours
But tonight is not the night for this.
There are other things I need
Things that make me strong
Things to bring me safety
Things that you refuse me
With your sadistic rule
The way you won't let go
Your control and my addiction
As I love you, you use me.
I reach the higher levels
And you're so within my grasp
And we rise and rise together
And with every death, rebirth
And then you make me hate you
As we start this dance again
And I can't tear away
From every time you make things worse
With the blindfold on my logic
And the handcuffs on my wrists
When I should be revising,
It is you I can't resist.

Yes, Tetris is a cruel but noble master.

Mastercard

2008-01-15T11:00:00.000-08:00

New frames: £70
New lenses: £50
Glare-resistant coating on the lenses: £40

Being proud of your visual impairment: Priceless.

An Amazing Thing I Learned Today While Reading The QI Annual

2007-12-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

Rene Descartes had a fetish for cross-eyed women. He conquered this when he realised that the roots of it lay with a cross-eyed girl he had played with as a child. He used this insight to support the idea that human beings have free will.

I love you Rene, you crazy French bastard.

Now is the least boring time imaginable

2007-12-30T04:32:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's half four in the morning. I'm on a large cream sofa in my Aunt's house thinking of new lists, or doing whatever it is that my brain substitutes for rational thought.

Things I love

Cream, the band
Cream, the food
Cream, the colour

I lied about the third one. It's overrated.

I have been blessed enough to have a relatively peaceful holiday season, been involved mostly in visiting family, ignoring my large pile of work and listening to Ambulance Ltd (a dear friend's attempt to bring me into this century, sadly for everyone in earshot I still have one foot in the Floyd) which has been really great. Since I came crashing back into my mother's house in London on 16th of December I have yet to argue with my family, which is possibly some kind of a record. And a sign that my siblings and I are growing up. I rounded up my nearest and dearest - save a few who couldn't make it - and went ice skating at the Royal Botanical Gardens at Kew.
They had set up an ice rink there, though.
The evening went without too much of a hitch, despite the efforts of the District Line which made us an hour late. But a man who looked too young to be the manager but held an air of authority nonetheless told us it would be fine to skate during the next time slot. So there we were, happily falling over and almost falling over and I was snapping it all and making my trademark series of nearly-losing-my-balance squawks when an "Ice Marshall" - that's skating jargon for wanker in a hoodie - told us to put the camera away. And if we wanted photographs, there was a professional photographer on-site so we could buy them after the session if we so desired.
This literally took the piss. As if being ripped off to the tune of £11 for the skating wasn't enough. We now had to buy our own memories.
I was glad when he fell over. And felt a little bad for the girl he smacked in the back of the head with a flailing arm and took down with him.

An intermittent list:

Quotes from my 7-year-old cousin

"I can see your knickers. They're green." - On my low-ride jeans
"Don't you have anything that girls like?" - On my music collection
"You've got a hole in your chin." - On my labret piercing
"I can play join the dots with your freckles. It makes a monkey. There's the face, look." - On my left arm
"I don't remember your name all the time, but I do like you...most of the time." - I've seen her every Christmas, Easter and summer since she was born
"You've still got a hole in your chin." - On my labret piercing still being there when she saw me the next day
"It's a bit noisy." - On Led Zeppelin
"I licked a snail!"
(What did it taste like?)
"A worm." - On insects

I know what you're thinking. And yes, that list was just an excuse to use the word intermittent.

The fast-approaching New Year (don't think the phrase entirely warrants capitals, but it feels important so I've put them in anyway.) has made me reflect on everything 2007 has brought. I've seen more bands than I can count, which is great, and made myself (with some help from others, I'll admit) happier than I've ever been in my life. Which is a good place to start a new one, I think. In respect to resolutions, one of mine is to make fewer lists. I don't want it to develop into some kind of compulsion to constantly order or categorise things. So by making a list of New Years' Resolutions, I'd actually be screwing up.
You see my dilemma here.
I'm actually spending New Year in Brighton, my home away from my homes away from home. That makes more sense than you might think. I've been trying and failing to work out where home is, and what it means. Is it in London, where I was born and raised, where my parents live? Is it in Hull, in the first house that has ever really been mine, where I live with some of my closest friends, study a subject I love and pursue the career I want to follow for the rest of my life? Is it in Blackpool, where 30-odd members (read also 30 odd members) of my extended family live, all of whom are loving, welcoming and warm? Or is it in Brighton? I've only really been there once, but when I did, I found his arms.
And they do say home is where the heart is.

Things I learned today

2007-12-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

1. There are no pencil sharpeners in my house.
2. You can't sharpen an eyeliner pencil with a knife.
3. Getting eyeliner off a knife is extremely difficult
4. Trying to put on eyeliner with an unsharpened pencil is a bad idea.

I think I have a splinter in my eye.

Gon' fill like a cesspool, wanna be with you

2007-12-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

Things that pissed me off today

Banging my foot on the lamp as I scrambled out of bed
Being the sober person in a room full of drunk people
Someone implying Status Quo were better than Led Zeppelin
Inability to sleep at a normal time

A thing that cheered me up today

As I was walking home at some ungodly hour I was offered a lift by a man whose mode of transportation was an office chair.

Don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much

2007-12-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

I got back from my adventuring in Brighton yesterday night, after the most hellish journey ever.

I got to Kings Cross after an adequate train journey from Three Bridges (not even a place, just three bridges and a train station apparently) and a bus ride to there - trains don't run out of Brighton on a Sunday. Being a Londoner I literally could not understand this concept. - during which I got hailstones in my eye and ear.

Then the big screen said the two words I did not want to see next to each other; "Hull" and "Cancelled". I sighed. I plugged in my headphones. I drowned it all out to the dulcet tones of Michael Stipe.
When I came back into the real world I learned that I was meant to get on the 19.30 train to Leeds and change there, with everyone else who was meant to catch my train. Along with all the people who were on the train anyway, going to Leeds.
Now is it just me, or are trains really not designed to hold double the people they're meant to? What we were essentially dealing with was double the passengers on one train.
Which just ended up being physically painful. There was a minor stampede when the platform was announced, which I got knocked down and trampled on in. I love prepositions. But that was nowhere near as exciting as the journey down.

Usually from my house to the train station takes about 20 minutes. I wanted to be on the safe side, so I wanted to give it 35. My train was at 2, I was at the bus stop at 1.30, having rushed from my seminar, bumped in to a friend of mine who told me someone had tried to break into her window when she was asleep. As a result of this I spent an extra 5 minutes evaluating the worth of everything in my room and locking stuff up in my housemates' rooms. I'm on the bottom floor you see, as is the friend in question.
Anyway as a result I was at this bus stop at half one, still making decent time, there was a bus at 33 minutes past, then 35, then 38, then 42, you get the idea. My house is just off a big main road so buses are frequent. So I'd get on the next bus and be at the station at roughly ten to 2. ("What a well-thought-out plan!" Chris would relate to me when I told him over the phone later, "I certainly can't conceive of anything going wrong. Do continue.")
So I waited patiently.
Then not-so-patiently.
Then not patiently at all.
Five minutes had passed. Then ten. Then I had that horrible sinking twisting feeling in your stomach when you know exactly what you need and that you can do absolutely nothing to get it. My only option was to stand there, block out the passage of time with my mp3 player (Radiohead, if you were wondering) and will and will the bus to come. I didn't even have any spare money to get a taxi, I'd spent the last of it on my ticket.
I got to the station, agonisingly, at 2.04. I went over to the desk and explained that I'd been messed around by buses and had missed my train,and were there any trains that would get me to Doncaster in time for 3.15 for my connection to Kings Cross? I may have spoken a tad quickly.
"Can I see your ticket?" He said.
Yes...
"This ticket's only valid for the 3.15 from Doncaster to Kings Cross," He said. Then "You've just missed this train." He looked at me as if he'd told me something I didn't already know. I stared at him.
"I could do you a single ticket to Brighton for today...." He looked at me slightly accusingly, as if it were a huge bother. I reached for my purse.
"How much?"
"For today, that'll be £61. With your student discount."
I put my purse back in my bag.
"Can I get a refund for this ticket?"
"No."
I wanted to find a picture of Chris, show him the man whose heart he was breaking, but I didn't have one. Instead I trudged back over to the screen and looked at the departures. There was another train to Doncaster leaving in a few seconds time, arriving at 3.30 if the man behind the desk was to be trusted. I thought to myself, If my connection train is delayed by 15 minutes I can still - just - make it! So I half-strode, half-jogged toward the platform, thinking There is no WAY this is a bad idea.
I'd been on the train almost an hour when my brain caught up with whatever impulse spurred me to do this. I was on my way to a city I didn't know to catch a train I should not logically expect to be there, if it had all gone to plan and the Kings Cross train was on time or had been delayed by anything less than 15 minutes exactly, I would be stranded in Doncaster, with no money, no food and no ticket home.
I tried not to think about this as the journey wore on. I would cross that bridge should I come to it, I decided.
As I got off the train at Doncaster there was a train on the opposite platform. I grabbed a man with a navy blue hat having only seen him from the corner of my eye. To this moment I don't know whether he was an employee or had just picked the wrong day to wear a navy blue hat.
"Which train is that?" I demanded of him.
"Kings Cross one. Got delayed."
Those five words were the most beautiful I'd ever heard. I wanted to hug him. Instead I thanked him with a squeeze of his arm (which I had already established somewhat of a grip on) and dashed for the doors. A whistle was blowing.
If nothing else, the bruises on my chest as the automatic doors closed are testimony to the fact I got to Brighton on time. And I went on to have a very good weekend indeed.

Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

2007-11-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

Today's instant karma came in the form of that horrible time where you oversleep, and you know that if you rush, and maybe overlook certain parts of getting ready, you could make it to where you have to be.

But, honestly. I've been super enough this week. Plus, the two friends I usually go to the seminar in question (which started in ten minutes) weren't going, so I'd have to sit on my own...
It was at this point that I turned around and faced up to myself. Although I may miss lectures for the smallest reason, there is a tiny but crucial line between the smallest reason and no reason at all.

I got out of my pyjamas, put a bandana on instead of washing my hair (see?) and headed down the road to uni.
My reward? Finding out that the actor who played Jesus in the film Jesus Of Nazareth - with his bright blue eyes and voice slightly resembling that of Alan Rickman - now has a bit part, as a hospital orderley, in Casualty.

I'm now packing for when I go to Brighton tomorrow. I say packing, I'm "packing" music on to my mp3 player, to listen to on the journey.
If anything, I should probably be "packing" my head full of sleep.

Rising above it

2007-11-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

A weird dream I had:

I was running around Trafalgar Square and other various parts of West London with a book of Oscar Wilde quotes. I was just running up to people, stopping them, reading them an Oscar Wilde quote, then letting them go on their way. I was also carrying a cone of Mr. Whippy (no Flake), and whenever it ran out, and looked away, when I looked back it had always refilled itself.
There was also a kind of subplot involving a tour bus and some old people but the details escape me.

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You may be aware I haven't blogged in a while. A long while. But luckily I had a very good friend round last night who re-installed Windows and saved my computer, who was otherwise At Death's Door And Knocking Pretty Damn Loud. Now,when I click on something, it does it! Amazing. I've been showing it off to everyone, but it turns out my computer is not supercoolwickedawesomebad, but it just now functions like a normal, average computer. I'm just not used to things working as they should. Says more about me than about my computer, I have a horrible feeling.

In a way, this blog by its very nature is a tribute. In that I stopped, abruptly, when I was otherwise in full swing, then didn't write for ages, then one day decided to reappear out of the culturally devoid abyss and reform for a one-off and charge people £125 a go.
Hold on. I think halfway through that sentence I confused myself with a quintessential rock band.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, putting my life in perspective to things and such and the like.
And I've realised that it really doesn't matter who has Led Zeppelin tickets and who doesn't.
Or who cried when she found out her ex-boyfriend was going.

Because I have my integrity, and no amount of they haven't gigged in over 20 years can change that.